CAVEMAN BIBLE – EPISODE 1

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CAN YOU BELIEVE IN THE CAVEMAN BIBLE

ARE YOU READY?

IT IS TIME FOR

‘CAVEMAN BIBLE’

CAVEMAN JEW MEETS THE INTERNET

EPISODE 1

CAVEMAN BIBLE

TROG MEETS JEEZABELLY

In a long time ago, in a faraway godforsaken land, before any Neanderthal was called Jew, lived sparsely populated Cavemen.  This is the story of how they invented their Holy Book now called the ‘Caveman Bible’.

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ACT ONE: 

Trog and his brothers find their dead uncle struck by a lighting bolt.

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CAVEMAN INVENT THE HOLY BIBLE

In the Valley of Neanderthal lived three brothers, Trog, Stan, and Jeb of the  Braunstein clan.  Trog and his brothers find their dead uncle struck by a lighting bolt and ponder the meaning of what they see.

JEB::  TROG WHAT HAPPENED TO UNCLE BRAUNSTEIN?

TROG:  ME KNOW NO

STAN:  GOD DID THIS

TROG: WHAT YOU SAY ‘GOD’?

STAN: GOD STRUCK UNCLE BUTTHOLE BRAUNSTEIN WITH LIGHTNING BOLT

JEB:  GOD IS ALL POWERFUL AND CAN DO THAT

TROG: HE WORKETH IN MYSTERIOUS YET POWERFUL WAYS

STAN:  HE IS THE HOLY OF HOLIES, DO NOT DOUBT HIS POWER

TROG: YOU ARE WISEMAN SATAN, I MEAN STAN, TELLS US MORE ABOUT GOD.

STAN: HE CAN DO ANYTHING, HIS POWER IS VAST AND UNREACHABLE.  HE WILL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT FOR YOU IF YOU ASK IN HIS NAME!

TROG:  REALLY?  IS THIS TRUE?  HOW CAN INVISIBLE GOD DO ANYTHING, I NOT SEE HIS HAND AND CLUB?

STAN:  HE IS EVERYWHERE EVEN THOUGH YOU NO SEE!

TROG:  CAN HE FIND ME CAVEWOMAN MY LOINS LONG FOR?  ME NEED WOMAN JEEZABELLY WHO DWELLETH NEAR FISHPOND

STAN: YES, HE KNOWS ALL OF HER SECRETS AND WHERE SHE IS AT ALL TIMES, GOD KNOWETH WHAT YOU DESIRE AND WILL GET HER FOR YOU IF YOU BELIEVETH IN HIM

caveman sacrifice animal to the lord to find woman

TROG:  HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT GOD?

STAN:  I READETH ABOUT GOD IN ‘CAVEMAN BIBLE’

TROG: WHAT IS BELIEVETH MEAN?

JEB: SUCH WORD MEANETH YOU SAY SOMETHING IT IS TRUE WITH NO SEE WITH EYES OR HEAR WITH EARS, YOU SAY IT IS TRUE BECAUSE BOOK SAYETH TRUE

STAN: GOD IS INVISIBLE AND EVERYWHERE, BUT YOU CAN NO SEE, HEAR OR TOUCH

PAUSE – TROG LOOKS AT STAN IN AMAZEMENT

TROG: HOW YOU KNOW SO MUCH STAN (read Satan), ARE YOU LIKE WISE MAN TEACHER RABBI?

STAN: I KNOW GOD BECAUSE I READ ABOUT GOD IN HOLY SCRIBBLES, WHAT IT SAYS IS TRUE BECAUSE IT SAYETH IT TRUE!  I AM ONLY THE SERVANT OF THE LORD GOD WHO SPEAKETH TO US FROM BOOK!

(STAN IS NERVOUS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT QUICK TO ANGER TROG IS CAPABLE OF, HE CAN SEE HE IS ANGERING TROG WOITH HIS CLAIMS, HE THEN NEEDS TO GET TROG ON HIS SIDE QUICKLY!)

STAN: GOD WILL HELP YOU CATCH JEEZEBELLY IF YOU BELIEVETH IN HIM

JEEZEBELLY OF THE CAVEMAN BIBLE

TROG: HOW I DO THAT?

STAN:  I WILL ASK GOD TO HELP YOU CATCH WOMAN

TROG: HOW YOU ASK INVISIBLE GOD WHEN HE HAS NO EARS?

STAN: GOD HAS INVISIBLE EARS, HE CAN EVEN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS!

WE MUST DO SACRIFICE TO HIM AND HE WILL HEAR OUR PRAYER

The brothers now build a fire on a big flat rock and burn some animal meat to the invisible Lord God.  The burning meat scent fills  the air.  Stan coaches Trog in pleasing the Lord by sacrificing animals and then doing prayer.

JEB:  ME LIKE SO MUCH BURNING MEAT SMELL, CERTAINLY THE LORD GOD WILL LIKE IT TOO AND FIND US!

STAN:  NOW THAT WE HAVE SENT PLEASING SMELLS INTO THE HEAVENS FOR THE LORD’S FAVOR WE MUST PRAY FOR YOUR WISH.

NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND IMAGINE GRABBING JEEZEBELLY BY THE HAIR AND DRAGGING HER OFF INTO BUSHES FOR WHOOP WHOOP

TROG: ME LIKE TO THINK THAT

JEB INTERJECTS:  ME TOO

TROG IS SURPRISED BY JEBS COMMENT AND DECIDES TO KILL HIM AND HAVE CAVE WOMAN JEEZEBELLY TO HIMSELF.

CAVEMAN PLOTS AGAINST BROTHER WHO ALSO LUSTS FOR SAME WOMAN

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